学习进度与心态的反思 Reflections on Learning Progress and Mindset

若一定要为上一阶段的学习进度下一个定论，"糟糕"与"停滞"这两个词，或许最贴切，也最无奈——这或许是最精准，却也最令我难以启齿的现实。自上月 GPU 编程与并行算法考试，以及机器学习的复习告一段落后，除了短暂的投入，我的考研复习便陷入了令人忧虑的停滞。学学停停，步履维艰，而持续的酷热仿佛在不断蚕食着我的主观能动性，消磨着乐观与耐心。内心深处，一个声音反复低语——这整整一个月，几乎付诸东流。

If I must draw a conclusion about my learning progress in the previous stage, the words "terrible" and "stagnant" might be the most fitting, albeit the most reluctant—perhaps the most accurate, yet the most difficult reality for me to admit. Since the GPU programming and parallel algorithms exam last month, as well as the review of machine learning, except for brief periods of engagement, my graduate entrance exam preparation has fallen into a worrying state of stagnation. Learning in fits and starts, struggling to move forward, while the persistent heat seems to continuously erode my subjective initiative, wearing away optimism and patience. Deep inside, a voice repeatedly whispers—this entire month has almost gone to waste.

原本的主观能动性是什么呢？那是一种主动、不懈怠的状态：大部分时间内心轻松、易于获得充实感，对知识怀抱好感与向往，并且乐于思考。而今，取而代之的是神经的敏感、挥之不去的焦虑、难以克服的惰性、无休止的拖延以及挥之不去的抱怨。每当拿起书本，首先涌上心头的竟是对自己进展缓慢的责备，是对课业繁重且似乎无用的抱怨。这彻底扰乱了我的节奏，结果非但未能激励自己加紧努力，反而陷入了"摆烂"与更深自责的恶性循环，在自我欺骗与自我压榨中，再次蹉跎了宝贵的学习时光。

Recalling my former motivation, it was a proactive, diligent state: most of the time, I felt relaxed inside, easily gained a sense of fulfillment, harbored fondness and aspiration for knowledge, and enjoyed thinking. Now, it has been replaced by nervous sensitivity, persistent anxiety, difficult-to-overcome inertia, endless procrastination, and lingering complaints. Whenever I pick up a book, what first comes to mind is surprisingly self-reproach for my slow progress, complaints about the heavy coursework that seems useless. This has completely disrupted my rhythm, and the result, far from motivating myself to intensify efforts, has instead led me into a vicious cycle of "giving up" and deeper self-blame, wasting precious learning time again in self-deception and self-exploitation.

这种负面情绪的洪流对我冲击巨大，它所引发的恐惧效应与失败主义，至今仍在阴魂不散地影响着我。信心与学习的力量，仿佛在心态的天平上失去了所有分量，让我坠入虚无与叛逆学习的深渊。这与"时不我待，只争朝夕"的紧迫感、与那缥缈不定却又被渲染得无比焦虑的未来，形成了尖锐而令人恐惧的矛盾，深深地揪扯着我的内心。

This flood of negative emotions has had a tremendous impact on me, and the fear and defeatism it has induced continue to haunt me to this day. Confidence and the power of learning seem to have lost all weight on the scales of my mindset, plunging me into an abyss of nihilism and rebellious learning. This forms a sharp and frightening contradiction with the sense of urgency that "time waits for no one, seize every moment," and with that vague yet anxiety-inducing future, deeply tugging at my heart.

更令人沮丧的是，计划似乎永远追不上变化。这种起初看似微妙的偏差，随着时间的推移被无限放大。于是，放弃的念头滋生了，认输的声音响起了，"躺平"甚至"超凡脱俗"的想法也冒了出来。然而，内心深处，那些世俗的欲望、那些因比较而生的急躁与焦虑，却依然无法放下。心乱了，意急了，情绪几近白热化，濒临崩溃。

What's more frustrating is that plans never seem to keep up with changes. This initially subtle deviation is infinitely magnified over time. Thus, thoughts of giving up have sprouted, voices of surrender have sounded, and ideas of "lying flat" or even "transcending worldly concerns" have emerged. However, deep down, those worldly desires, that impatience and anxiety born from comparison, still cannot be let go. My mind is in chaos, my thoughts are urgent, and my emotions are nearly at a boiling point, on the verge of collapse.

我总想借鉴他人的成功经验，试图找到"什么时间做什么事"的金科玉律——是先攻算法，还是主攻数学，亦或是专注英语？但时间永远显得那么仓促，于是又陷入新一轮的自责与难过。听到别人的进度和经验，便急于模仿尝试，却忽略了自身的特点与反思，盲目听从外界的干扰，最终深陷本本主义与经验主义的泥潭，品尝苦果。心比天高，却步履蹒跚，无法脚踏实地，这无疑是一条通往失败的路径。

I always want to learn from others' successful experiences, trying to find the golden rule of "what to do when"—should I first tackle algorithms, focus on mathematics, or concentrate on English? But time always seems so rushed, and so I fall into a new round of self-blame and sadness. Upon hearing others' progress and experiences, I rush to imitate and try, but ignore my own characteristics and reflections, blindly following external interference, and ultimately falling deep into the quagmire of dogmatism and empiricism, tasting bitter fruits. Ambitions higher than the sky, yet stumbling in my steps, unable to be down-to-earth, this is undoubtedly a path to failure.

因此，当前阶段的主要矛盾在于：一方面，随着时间的无情流逝，失败主义与经验主义不断侵蚀着我乐观的心态与对未来的憧憬，使我难以有效地制定并执行计划；另一方面，内心深处依然在挣扎，依然渴望着光明的未来，渴望通过努力学习来改变现状。

Therefore, the main contradiction at the current stage is: On one hand, with the merciless passage of time, defeatism and empiricism continuously erode my optimistic mindset and yearning for the future, making it difficult for me to effectively formulate and execute plans; on the other hand, deep inside, I am still struggling, still longing for a bright future, eager to change the status quo through diligent learning.

正是这种"清醒的痛苦"，这种强烈的内心冲突，恰恰证明了向上的动力并未完全泯灭。我们往往不会对那些已经彻底放下的事物，产生如此剧烈的情绪波动。这或许是挣扎之中，唯一值得庆幸的微光。

It is precisely this "lucid pain," this intense internal conflict, that proves the upward drive has not been completely extinguished. We often do not experience such intense emotional fluctuations towards things we have completely let go of. This may be the only glimmer worth celebrating amidst the struggle.

反思：

• 负面情绪与自责形成了恶性循环，阻碍了学习进度
• 过度依赖他人经验而忽视自身特点是一大误区
• 内心冲突的存在恰恰说明向上动力尚未完全消失

Reflection:

• Negative emotions and self-blame form a vicious cycle, hindering learning progress
• Over-reliance on others' experiences while neglecting one's own characteristics is a major misconception
• The existence of internal conflict precisely indicates that the upward drive has not completely disappeared